Maine Unemployment Mayhem

Once again, I come to you from the great state of Maine, where the story continues to be the same as more and more shellfish are losing their homes due to foreclosure. Even the shrimp find themselves being stripped of their shells, as it becomes increasingly difficult to pay for their homes. One naked shrimp was quoted as saying, “I simply don’t have enough kelp to make the payments!”

I located a group of shrimp and one of the more outspoken crustaceans had this to say, “I really don’t understand why some folks can’t respect that some of us do work for a living and deserve to keep our shells. I set my shell down and began to do my job. No sooner had I turned my back, than some thief came along and stole my shell! I’ve been homeless ever since!” I inquired as to where she was working that she would need to remove her shell. “I work as an exotic dancer at a local strip club, called the Clam Strip.”

I checked in with the group of clams I’d spoken to earlier to get an update on how they were doing. They were chuckling and it was clear they were a tad intoxicated. I asked them how they were making out. “Oh, we’re making out alright, but it’s not for pay, I can tell ya that much!”

Cackles erupted from the inebriated crowd when I asked where they got their liquor. I knew they lacked the kelp, since they clearly were unemployed. One clam from the group shouted, “Hey fool! We don’t drink liquor like you stupid humans! We found these barrels that your ships tossed out into the deep. I have no idea what’s in them, but that stuff was good! I’d have more of it, but I would have to save it for later, because I’m stuffed!” Another clam overheard his buddy and warned, “Hey man! You’re clam! Don’t say the word ‘stuffed’ around a human or they’ll eat you!”

What I feared was coming true. Even the shellfish were losing their will and were beginning to lean on other substances to ease the stress of their unemployment.

Once again, I decided it was time to check in on the human aspect of the unemployment situation in Maine. As I’d expected, it didn’t take me long to find a local willing to talk. I saw this older fella walking along. He was searching for something around the sides of the road. 

He continued a few steps more and shouted, “Hallelujah! A full bottle!” Before I could speak, the fella slung his head back and began to chug down the liquid from the bottle. I stepped in front of him and was about to speak, when he sprayed me in the face with the remaining liquid. “Holy crap! That’s piss!” 

Unemployment in Maine, ya gotta be creative and careful. Never drink from a bottle that you didn’t open and more important is to not stand in front of the idiot who did.